The Moment we First Met - How First Impressions Set the Stage for All Relationships.

Getting first impressions on you as right as possible and keeping an open mind with others to not judge them all together at first sight will contribute to your happiness and is yet another set of skills that you can develop by good practice.

I have moved countless times, first changed schools and later on workplaces, met so many people, judged them and they judged me. Since becoming a coach and consultant, I had to radically change this and adhere to the wonderful phrase of “never judge a book by its cover”. Getting rid of the habit of judging and a life long perceived benefit from it, to categorize people, quickly cluster them in categories, and define who might be friend or enemy, was not easy. After all, it had served me so much. Or had it? Why are we so quick to judge? Can we trust our instincts? And what are those instincts, what is it that actually happens in our bodies the moment we first meet in the wild (today better to be defined as any random bar or meeting room).

Stereotypes exist for a reason, right? They certainly help us in making our initial judgments. Those are formed within mere seconds of meeting someone or encountering something new and therefore on the very limited information available to us in this first instance. Despite their brevity, first impressions play a significant role in shaping our perceptions, attitudes, and subsequent interactions often for all of our future interactions with that person. But why?

It is a cognitive process ingrained in human nature, evolved from our ancestors' need to quickly assess potential threats and allies in their environment. While first impressions are not always accurate, they serve as mental shortcuts that guide our behaviors and reactions.

First impressions have a profound impact on social interactions. Within seconds of meeting someone new, we form impressions about their trustworthiness, competence, friendliness, and likability. IN SECONDS!!!! These impressions can influence whether we choose to engage with them further, approach with caution, or avoid them altogether.

Curiously, the concept of first impressions extends beyond human interactions; it also holds great importance in the realm of evolutionary biology amongst many other species. The ability to make swift and accurate first impressions has bestowed significant survival advantages upon all types of life, not just humans, throughout evolutionary history. Quick assessments of potential mates, predators, or allies often meant, and still mean for many animals in the wild, the difference between life and death. Those who possess the capability to form accurate first impressions can make better decisions regarding many aspects of survival.

Evolution is clever and so we became equipped with the survival super tool

First impressions help optimize the allocation of resources. In an environment where resources are scarce and competition is fierce, the ability to quickly evaluate others' fitness and intentions becomes paramount. Those who can discern trustworthy allies from potential competitors are more likely to form cooperative relationships that maximize the efficient use of resources, ultimately enhancing their chances of survival and reproduction. Anyone who has ever worked in a multinational knows exactly what I am talking about.

Social interactions and group dynamics have been critical factors in the evolutionary success of many species. First impressions influence how individuals are perceived and accepted within social groups, directly affecting their access to resources, mating opportunities, and social support. Positive first impressions can lead to greater acceptance, forming the basis for stable social structures and cohesive communities. And it extends beyond your very own village - Predator-prey interactions, symbiotic partnerships, and coevolutionary relationships are all influenced by the initial perceptions that species form of one another. First impressions can lead to mutual benefits, mutualistic alliances, or even predator-prey strategies that have evolved over time.

And then of course there is the first meeting “the one”...

At this point you might want to consider if you are ready to throw Disneyland out and brace for reality… In our oh so developed world, humans are still “only” humans and when you CHOOSE THE ONE (because this is no miracle occasion it is an active albeit subconscious choice), you basically judge their attractiveness aka ability to serve the survival of your genes by traits that indicate good health, fertility, and genetic fitness (those in turn depend on your cultural setting, including family and upbringing). If you end up choosing a strong mate, chances are that some of those advantageous traits are passed on to the little ones and so on and so forth. That is how we ended up where we are now, how we developed many of our abilities and grew our capacities necessary for achieving ever higher goals. Curiously not changing our nature but choosing what most serves us.

Talking of which; Research in neuroscience has shown that the human brain has evolved to be exceptionally adept at forming first impressions rapidly and subconsciously. Specific brain regions, such as the amygdala, play a pivotal role in processing social information and assessing potential threats. Appearance, body language, demeanor, tone of voice, and even context influence how we categorize others, quickly enabling our fight or flight mechanisms to become active when faced with a threat. Watch anyone looking not to spend the night in his or her own walk into a club and scan the room - it is all there! Threats, possible mates, allies to be made, location to be chosen… beautifully coming together as a symphony of evolution.

Evolution has favored individuals with efficient neural mechanisms for forming accurate first impressions, as this capability enhances survival and social integration. It is so very totally a self fulfilling prophecy.

The Magic of Body and Mind…

Every single time we encounter someone new, various regions in our brain actively collaborate to process and interpret the incoming information. The amygdala, responsible for emotional processing, quickly evaluates the person's facial expressions and body language for signs of friendliness or threat. Simultaneously, the prefrontal cortex, responsible for higher-order thinking, analyzes the person's appearance, behavior, and context, forming a more nuanced assessment.

As our brain processes first impressions, it releases specific neurotransmitters and hormones that influence our emotional state and behavior. Dopamine, the "pleasure" neurotransmitter, is associated with feelings of reward and motivation. If the interaction is positive and rewarding, dopamine levels may increase, leading to a sense of pleasure and interest in continuing the conversation.

Oxytocin, often called the "bonding hormone," is released during social interactions, fostering feelings of trust and connection. When we have positive first impressions, oxytocin levels rise, encouraging a desire to establish deeper relationships.

One could say, we actually get high on each other and the more we do, the more we want to spend time with the other person. Hence the research that shows we need 5 positive interactions with someone to balance out only one negative interaction. Bad, for survival purposes, has a tendency to weigh out the good. If you have ever tried to change someone's initial negative first impression on you, you will know exactly what I mean.

In addition to facial expressions, body language and non-verbal cues play a pivotal role in shaping first impressions. Posture, gestures, and eye contact can convey confidence, approachability, and sincerity. Mirroring body language can foster a sense of rapport and mutual understanding between individuals.

Emotions are contagious, and during first encounters, individuals can pick up on each other's emotional states. If one person is enthusiastic and positive, it can positively impact the other's mood. Emotional contagion can set the tone for the entire interaction, affecting the direction and outcome of the meeting.

Moreover and possibly worst of all, first impressions can create a self-fulfilling prophecy. If we perceive someone positively, we are more likely to interact positively with them, leading to a reinforcing cycle of amicable behavior. Conversely, negative impressions can lead to avoidance, missing potential opportunities for meaningful connections. In other words; someone is always only as good as you think they are.

In psychology, this is referred to as the “halo effect” vs the “devil effect”.

The "halo effect" and the "devil effect" are two cognitive biases directly linked to first impressions. The halo effect occurs when we generalize a positive characteristic of a person to assume that their other traits are equally positive. For instance, if someone is physically attractive, we may assume they are also intelligent or kind, even without evidence to support these assumptions.

Conversely, the devil effect involves assuming that one negative characteristic means an individual possesses other negative traits. If someone comes across as unfriendly, we might assume they are also untrustworthy or incompetent, overlooking any positive aspects they might possess.

Psychological studies suggest that once a first impression is formed, it tends to be resistant to change, even in the face of contrary evidence. This phenomenon is known as "permanence bias." We tend to focus on information that confirms our initial impression, disregarding or downplaying anything that challenges it.

For instance, if someone initially perceives a colleague as incompetent, they might overlook their excellent performance on subsequent tasks, reinforcing their negative impression. As a result, it becomes challenging to alter others' perceptions once a first impression has been established.

Overcoming Bias in First Impressions

Recognizing the power and potential biases of first impressions is crucial in combating snap judgments. Being aware of our tendencies to stereotype and making an effort to withhold judgment until we have more information can help us see people and situations in a fairer light.

First impressions can be influenced by unconscious biases and stereotypes. These biases, often shaped by societal and cultural factors, may lead to quick judgments based on appearance, race, or gender. Being aware of these biases is essential to overcome preconceived notions and promote fairer interactions.

To overcome biases, we must practice empathy and active listening. Taking the time to understand others' experiences, perspectives, and motivations can help us look beyond superficial traits and form more accurate impressions. Genuine curiosity about others can lead to deeper, more meaningful connections, enriching our social interactions.

Now let’s look at the bigger picture - First impressions in Groups

So far, we have mostly looked at the one on one interaction of two people meeting but as we know, we are social animals that tend to work together or even against each other in groups. Of course, we also do so when we build first impressions.

Group dynamics start taking shape during the early stages of group formation, as individuals come together to achieve common goals. Members often gravitate towards others they perceive as approachable, competent, or like-minded. Positive first impressions can facilitate the formation of cohesive and harmonious groups, fostering trust and openness among members. On the contrary, negative first impressions can lead to conflicts, cliques, and communication barriers. My kids are just starting first grade at school… A wonderful place to study group dynamics and also the importance of empathetic leadership, in this case from the teacher. Done well, dream teams are being created from the first moment.

As we grow up, we form our social identities. These play a crucial role in understanding how first impressions affect group dynamics. According to social identity theory, individuals tend to categorize themselves and others into distinct social groups. Positive first impressions can enhance a person's identification with the group, increasing their commitment and loyalty. Conversely, negative first impressions may lead individuals to disassociate or withdraw from the group to avoid potential negative consequences. This theory is often seen in workplaces when new colleagues start. It takes a humongous amount of effort to pull that new person out of the social identity drawer it has been shoved into. Later, we will explore how to make sure that you are able to make a good first impression from day one.

Of course, this also impacts how the group communicates. Positive first impressions often pave the way for open and constructive communication channels. Members are more likely to express their ideas, actively listen to others, and engage in healthy debates. Conversely, negative first impressions can create barriers to communication, leading to misunderstandings, conflicts, and reduced collaboration.

As a result, cooperation and collaboration can either be fostered or destroyed. Negative first impressions can breed skepticism, undermining teamwork and collective effort.

So whenever you are entering a new group or leading one, it is important to recognizing the impact of first impressions. Encouraging open communication and team-building exercises can help break down barriers and promote a better understanding among group members. As individuals interact more frequently and get to know each other beyond their initial judgments, negative perceptions can be challenged and replaced with more accurate assessments.

Are you ready to get to work?

Here is a short guide on how to work towards Accurate First Impression without Judging

First and foremost this goes back to the old “treat others as you would like to be treated” - This is what’s at the heart of empathy. The latter is one of psychology’s most complex concepts as it brings together the ability to perceive and emotion, take over someone else’s perspective and then share that emotional state, ultimately resulting in compassion (here is a brilliant article for a deep dive definition on empathy).

So when meeting others, try to put yourself in their shoes and grasp their emotions, challenges, and perspectives. By showing empathy, you create a safe and welcoming environment that encourages genuine self-expression.

Recognize that a first impression is just a snapshot of a person at a specific moment in time. External factors like stress, fatigue, or a bad day can influence how someone presents themselves. Be mindful of the context and give them the benefit of the doubt.

One of the most significant dangers of first impressions lies in the illusion of objectivity they create. When we meet someone for the first time, our minds tend to rush to conclusions based on their appearance, body language, and other superficial cues. Unfortunately, these assessments are often tainted by our personal biases, cultural influences, and preconceived notions. As a result, we may unintentionally judge others unfairly, leading to discrimination and perpetuating stereotypes.

By basing our perceptions on initial encounters, we may underestimate the potential of individuals who could have a profound impact on our lives.

Now, let’s see how we can practice and apply this in the moment of first meeting;

• Cultivate Self-Awareness

  Recognize your very own biases and preconceptions that may influence your view of others. Acknowledging and understanding your own biases is the first step towards being more open-minded and empathetic. Challenge yourself to let go of assumptions about a person's background, beliefs, or interests. Instead, approach every encounter with a blank slate, allowing the person to reveal themselves without preconceived notions.

• Practice Active Listening

  Listening actively is one of the most effective ways to gain an accurate first impression. When engaging in conversation, focus on the other person's words, body language, and emotions. Give them your full attention and avoid interrupting or making assumptions. This includes paying attention to the many non-verbal cues that can convey a wealth of information about a person's feelings and personality. Pay attention to their facial expressions, body language, and tone of voice. Be mindful that cultural differences may influence non-verbal cues, so avoid making generalized assumptions.

• Ask Open-Ended Questions

  Asking questions that require more than a simple yes or no answer will encourage the person to open up. It allows them to share their thoughts, feelings, and perspectives freely, leading to a more accurate understanding of who they are.

• And to truly connect…. Seek Common Ground

  Look for shared interests and experiences during your conversation. Finding common ground fosters connection and helps you understand the other person on a deeper level. However, be genuine in your interests and avoid pretending to share something that doesn't resonate with you.

• Last but not least - Give second chances

  Acknowledge that people can change, and past impressions may not reflect their current selves. Be willing to give others a second chance.

Exercise; I practice this regularly, as it is easy and has a massively soothing effect when moving around in the world. - Instead of studying people for cues that might help you to categorize them as soon as possible, become aware of them most likely not being any threat to you. We were all born the same way, naked and helpless and you are surrounded by fellow souls. So next time you go for a walk or stand sweating in a way too busy train, take a deep breath and just take in the existence of others. Every time you feel that you are drifting off on one of your assumptions, brush it off and just feel another person's energy. This can be quickly passing by or standing side by side. It will prepare you very much for the next time when you have the pleasure of meeting someone new and want to apply all of the newly learned. Most likely, it will make you soften and smile. Enjoy.

So now that we have gone at length into what you can do to get a more accurate impression at first meeting someone, let’s look at what you can do to make sure, others can get a good enough first idea of who you really are.

Authenticity is key. Be true to yourself and avoid pretending to be someone you're not. People can often sense when someone is being disingenuous.

• Dress Appropriately: Dress in a manner that is suitable for the occasion and reflects your personality. Whether it's formal, casual, or business attire, make sure it aligns with the context.

• Maintain Good Posture and Body Language: Stand and sit up straight, maintain eye contact, and offer a firm handshake (if appropriate). Positive body language shows confidence and respect.

• Be Punctual: Arriving on time shows respect for others' schedules and indicates that you take the meeting or event seriously.

• Listen Actively: Pay attention to what others are saying and show genuine interest. Avoid interrupting and allow them to express themselves.

• Smile: A warm and friendly smile can help create an approachable and inviting impression.

• Speak Clearly and Confidently: Communicate clearly and avoid mumbling. Confidence in your speech can leave a strong impression.

• Highlight Your Strengths: Be prepared to talk about your skills, experiences, and accomplishments without sounding boastful. Showcase your talents in a humble manner.

• Be Open-Minded and Respectful: Embrace diversity and differing opinions. Treat everyone with respect and courtesy.

• Avoid Controversial or Offensive Topics: During initial interactions, it's best to steer clear of sensitive topics like politics or religion.

• Show Appreciation: Express gratitude and thankfulness when appropriate. It leaves a positive impression and shows you value others' contributions.

• Be Positive: Maintain a positive attitude and try to find the silver lining in situations. Positivity can be contagious.

• Follow Up: If appropriate, follow up after the meeting or event with a thank-you note or email. It reinforces your interest and leaves a lasting impression.

Remember, first impressions are not just about impressing others but also about establishing a genuine connection with them. Be yourself, be respectful, and be attentive to the needs and cues of those around you.

Exercise; Always be ready for meeting that new person in the best possible way. Most of us are looking for something in life… ALL THE TIME. So be it for a new partner, friends, job, business opportunity…. You could meet that person at any moment. Never waste that. Every single human interaction is a possibility to practice. Even and especially with those you already know. It requires as so often a fair bit of discipline but do yourself the favor and show up to your own life, EVERYDAY.

But what do you do when it has all already gone pear shaped? How can you change a first impression gone terribly wrong?

First of all - Take Stock.

To modify someone's initial perception of you, it's essential to understand how you come across to others. Take a moment for self-reflection and assess your actions, body language, and communication style. Ask yourself if you unintentionally exude any negative traits like arrogance, impatience, or aloofness. Identifying areas of improvement is the first step towards creating a positive change.

Go back to square one.

I know, it sucks, but at this point we must start all over again and hope the other lets us. Don’t be upset about them having gotten you all wrong. Instead put yourself in their shoes and show empathy. Understanding their perspective and acknowledging their feelings can go a long way in building bridges and changing their perception of you.

However, the process of changing a first impression takes waaayyy more time than when you get it right upon first meeting and infinite consistency. The earlier you realize and start working in it, the better. Once it has all gone wrong you will have to prove yourself a lot more. Bad news, I know. But you have a ace up your sleeve;

Address Misconceptions

If you're aware that someone has formed a negative impression of you due to misinformation or misunderstandings, take the initiative to address those issues directly. Be humble and honest, acknowledging any mistakes or misconceptions that may have contributed to their initial perception.

Make sure to be mindful of how you express yourself verbally and with body language. Avoid dominating conversations, interrupting others, or making insensitive remarks. Speak clearly, confidently, and respectfully, making sure to strike a balance between sharing your thoughts and listening to others. The latter is of giant importance, as it will show the other that you have a genuine interest in them. Nothing warms us up more than feeling seen and heard.

Remember that the goal is not to manipulate or deceive others but rather to present your best self and foster meaningful relationships built on mutual understanding and respect. By focusing on empathy, active listening, and demonstrating authenticity, you can pave the way for improved impressions and build lasting connections with those around you.

IN SUMMARY

The process of forming first impressions is a complex interplay between our brain's cognitive and emotional centers, neurotransmitters, hormones, and non-verbal communication that came about as one of our survival super tools, quickly enabling us to separate good from bad, friend from enemy, resource from threat. These initial encounters shape how we perceive others and how they perceive us, ultimately influencing the course of our relationships and social interactions. Understanding the underlying mechanisms of first impressions can help us become more conscious of our own biases and foster healthier connections with those we meet.

First impressions hold remarkable power in shaping our attitudes, perceptions, and subsequent interactions with others. Although snap judgments are part of our evolutionary heritage, it is essential to recognize their influence and strive to be more mindful and empathetic when forming impressions. By being aware of our own biases and actively working to understand others on a deeper level, we can build stronger and more meaningful relationships, both in our personal and professional lives. Remember, first impressions may be potent, but true understanding requires a willingness to go beyond initial assessments and embrace the complexities that make each person unique.

Or in other words - Not judging others will make you happier.